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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29151015">Missing Moments</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/melanie1982/pseuds/melanie1982'>melanie1982</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>NKOTB - Fandom</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/M, Forbidden Love, I like the boys the boys in the band, Longing, Lust, M/M, Pre-Slash, Slash</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 12:08:09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,973</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29151015</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/melanie1982/pseuds/melanie1982</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Idk where my plot bunnies come from, but they always manage to burrow right under my fence...</p><p>It's almost Valentine's Day, the world is still cuckoo, and I'm all in my feelings.</p><p>I put those plot bunnies into a blender but forgot to put the lid on it before I pressed the button. This series of one-shots is what splattered all over the place. </p><p>Imagined scenarios between various New Kids on various holidays.</p><p>Fiction. I own nothing. I make no money from these stories.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>various</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Baby New Year</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>NYE 2021. Joey is all in his feelings, and Donnie is confused.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Every new year brought its own challenges, opportunities for growth, and surprises.</p><p>Donnie was not a fan of surprises - at least, not when he was on the receiving end. He liked to feel in control. He liked order, consistency, and clear plans.</p><p>Joe Mac, however, was always a surprise.</p><p>Little Baby New Year, aka the Joker, the wild card of their group, was forever upending Donnie's carefully-laid plans and knocking down the block-towers around his heart. Their dynamic had been through many changes over the years, from a big-brother/little brother feel, to a protege/mentor vibe, and then into a hazy, blurry space of "what do we call this?". </p><p>NYE 2021 was a quiet, mostly-sober affair, reflecting back on the nightmarish 2020 ordeal and contemplating what the next twelve months might hold. The countdown was different, almost surreal, and at its peak, there was no cathartic release, no sense of anything truly having changed. Other than trading a 0 for a 1, it was just a continuation of life in its current form.</p><p>In the minutes afterwards, Donnie had sat in the silence, idly thinking about taking down all the holiday decorations, maybe giving the living room a refresh, trying to put some of his feelings about the past year into usable lyrics.. </p><p>The sound of his phone announcing an incoming Skype call had jolted him out of his reverie. </p><p>Figuring it was someone calling to wish him a belated happy New Year, Donnie unhurriedly slid his hand across the couch cushion to retrieve his phone.</p><p>"Hello?"</p><p>A jubilant-yet-sober Joe's face had filled the screen, and Donnie was startled for the millionth time at just how blue those eyes could be. Looking directly at them always caused a strange whirlpool sensation to begin in his solar plexus, like they held some sort of supernatural power. He'd never had the nerve to ask any of the other guys if they felt the same physical response when facing Joey head-on. Even over Skype, he found himself drowning in their depths.</p><p>"Heyyyy, big D! Just wanted to wish you happy new year, and kinda check up on ya. We made it through 2020, huh?"</p><p>Donnie felt himself vacillating between energized and relaxed. "Yeah. I guess we did. Thank God for small blessings."</p><p>"Amen, brother. Listen, I'm just gonna email you some rough takes of a few songs I've been working on. I should've sent them sooner, but I'm kinda nervous about these; they're really personal." A few clicks of the mouse were audible, Joey's eyes flicking away from Donnie's gaze long enough to complete his computer task.</p><p>A definite shift of energy was taking place; it was palpable. 'Personal'? What did *that* mean? </p><p>Joey, slightly flustered, went on. "I mean, not for the group - for me. A solo project."</p><p>Hidden in that was a plea for discretion. Donnie wondered what on earth Joe could have to sing about that he wouldn't want the other guys to hear - at least, not yet.</p><p>"Sure, Joey, I'll give 'em a listen." A pause. "Happy birthday, Joey."</p><p>The younger man's face lit up. "Oh, thanks, yeah. I had a great day with the family. Nothing as wild as back in the day, but, y'know.."</p><p>Donnie swallowed, remembering some of the crazy birthday shenanigans of years past, as well as things which had *almost* happened.. </p><p>"Nice."</p><p>When Donnie didn't offer any details about his NYE, Joey made a mental note to ask about it at a later date. Donnie seemed unusually quiet and contemplative, and Joe wondered if there was trouble at home.</p><p>"Alright, well, I'm gonna go catch some shut-eye, but, uh, we'll talk soon, okay?"</p><p>Joey sounded insecure, like they were kids again. Why was he so nervous? It was making *him* nervous.</p><p>"Okay, Joe. Talk soon."</p><p>"Take care. G'night."</p><p>"'Night, Joe."</p><p>That moment made Donnie flash back to days on tour, saying goodnight to the others, and how it didn't feel quite right to go to sleep without doing so. Maybe it was his OCD, or maybe it was something more profound than that.</p><p>Donnie meant to only spend a few minutes listening to Joey's tracks before going to bed, but he soon found himself falling down a rabbit hole.</p><p>There were a few covers, a few up-tempo songs, but it was the ballads that got to him the most. There was a raw quality to Joey's voice on those, a man in pain, a soul crying out to be heard and understood.</p><p>Joey had always been comfortable in his own identity, or so it seemed; wearing guy-liner or painting his nails had been no big deal. Flamboyant fashion choices were less common now than in the past, but they were by no means off the table. Donnie listened, eyes closed, and imagined Joey onstage, pouring his heart out.</p><p>The lyrics were deep, but gender-neutral, and Donnie wondered about that. It had to be deliberate - but was it a way to make the songs more accessible, or was there another reason? </p><p>"They're really personal." Joey's words from the call, coming back to whisper in his ear, tugging at something in his subconscious.</p><p>There were songs about figuring out who he really was and what he really wanted - about falling for someone he couldn't have, and wrestling with secrets. Songs about crossing the line with a best friend.</p><p>Oy.</p><p>Why had Joey entrusted him with these? Was he afraid some of the others wouldn't be supportive? Was there a reason he'd chosen Donnie to vet these songs?</p><p>Or..</p><p>..was there a message here that Donnie was supposed to figure out?</p><p>Donnie had been an expert at subtweets, coded tweets, Easter egg tweets, clues... Mind-games were a specialty of his, sometimes used for good, other times used almost sadistically. Was this karma?</p><p>"Damn."</p><p>It was soon three in the morning, and Donnie knew he needed to get to bed. He also knew that, while his body might rest, his mind was not going to be shut down as easily as his laptop.</p><p>2020 had been a year to figure out what was really important, what dreams could be postponed or let go, and what dreams simply couldn't wait. Life had seemed to be on hold, everyone paralyzed with fear and uncertainty, pushing forward in fits and starts, but now it seemed that, whatever Joey had figured out over the last several months, he was taking steps to figure it out and make it known in the new year.</p><p>Joey was changing yet again, moving into a new phase of his life, and inviting Donnie to walk with him on that journey.</p><p>It may have been Joe's birthday, but Donnie was the one who had received a gift.</p><p>Their next conversation was going to alter each of their lives (and possibly the lives of others in their orbit) forever, but it was also going to be for the good.</p><p>The new year was off to a surprising start, and, although he was restless, Donnie found that it was with anticipation, rather than fear.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Satisfied</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Donathan forever.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It was a great life by the world's standards.</p><p>Travelling the world (well, when the pandemic wasn't a thing). Making obscene amounts of money at each of his jobs. Getting to repair old properties or build new ones from scratch. Thousands of fans who supported all of his endeavors and life choices. A fabulous wedding inside a real castle. Jon was living a modern fairytale.</p><p>Birthdays were always a time to look back on all the blessings and lessons of the previous year, as well as a time to look forward to new projects, new adventures, new avenues of income..</p><p>"We always want what we can't have," Jon mused as he sipped his drink. He didn't indulge as often now, but this was a special occasion, and it was in moderation.</p><p>Funny how we use alcohol to celebrate, as well as to commiserate. As if alcohol could sense someone's mood, and give them whatever feeling they were searching for, like magic.</p><p>Dinner was almost ready, a small feast of vegetarian delights. Why was his mind wandering to another table, another guest, another menu?</p><p>There were no burgers here, nothing fried, no cheese.. Even the dessert was healthy. It was good for him; it was what he needed, and, more importantly, it was what he had. It was HIS.</p><p>Why was his heart reaching out for someone miles away, when he had a man who loved him right there?</p><p>Jon closed his eyes, shutting out the view of his land. The glass in his hand morphed into a cup bearing a green and white logo. The table behind him shrank in size, becoming a table for two, tucked away in the back of the original Wahlburgers location. That was where, once upon a time, Donnie had entertained 'special customers.' Before the televised wedding. Before the on-again/off-again, will-they/won't-they dance had ended. How did one close the door on years of emotional connection and a handful of physical actuations of that bond? </p><p>"Happy birthday, baby," a voice purred in his ear, strong arms enfolding him from behind, a kiss on his neck giving him chills as his sensitive skin was grazed by stubble. He'd removed his ballcap without being asked, and Jon smiled, knowing how self-conscious Donnie was about his hairline. </p><p>"Let's eat. I'm really.. hungry," Jon heard himself saying, eliciting a sinful chuckle from the man behind him, the table full of gourmet junk food waiting for them to devour it.</p><p>The salt, the grease, the carb overload - all of them topped off by the sugar rush - made Jon feel euphoric. </p><p>This was forbidden - the location, the food, the timing, and present company. It was all wrong, and yet -</p><p>"Hey, sweetie. Dinner's ready."</p><p>Jon opened his eyes slowly, not ready to leave his daydream. The feeling lingered as he turned to face his husband, smiling as sincerely as he could manage.</p><p>"It looks great. Thank you."</p><p>It felt like an apology. How much of his life felt like that, like Jon was trying to compensate for some deficiency or make amends for some betrayal?</p><p>He forced himself to sit down, to feel the solid reality of his table, in his home, seated across from his spouse. They ate together in companionable silence, punctuated by occasional pleasantries. It was good. He was lucky. He ate his fill, and yet, it was never enough.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Odd One Out</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Because reasons, THAT'S why.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Valentine's Day was always tough. When it fell during a tour, it was even harder. </p><p>Danny had been the first one in the group to lose his mother. It had been the worst pain of his life, worse than divorce, worse than the band breaking up.. It was the sort of pain that simply became manageable over time, but never disappeared. It was a scar on his soul.</p><p>Being the first one in the group to lose a parent made him feel like the odd one out. It was funny, having so many amazing women in his life - his baby-mamas, his daughters, and millions of Blockhead sisters - and yet still feeling that lack.</p><p>Normally, he'd turn to Donnie for advice or encouragement, but on this particular occasion, Donnie, Jon and Joe were out. He'd woken up on the bus alone - or so he thought. </p><p>Jordan stumbled into the galley, heading for the fridge. When he sensed someone watching him, he turned.</p><p>"Hey, Danny." Then, "You okay?"</p><p>Danny shook his head, lowering his eyes to the floor. When they met Jordan's again, the younger man was still waiting for an answer.</p><p>"It's.. Today. Today just sucks."</p><p>Jordan realized then what the issue was. "Aw, man.. Danny, I'm sorry. I didn't even think about it.."</p><p>All the other guys had called home to their moms, sent flowers or candy, etc. Danny didn't have that comfort.</p><p>Jordan abandoned his pursuit of snackables and approached his bandmate. "Listen, I know we aren't the closest, but, we can still hang out, you know, so you won't be by yourself."</p><p>Danny was going to tell him not to worry about it, that he was fine by himself, but Jordan had rested a hand on his shoulder, squeezing it gently, and just that simple, basic touch, that barest of human contact, was already easing the pain in his soul.</p><p>Without any words exchanged, Jordan pulled Danny in for a hug, his hands now braced across Danny's back. When those hands began to slide back and forth in soothing sweeps, Danny almost melted into his friend's body.</p><p>Taking a risk, Jordan asked gently, "What's your earliest memory of Betty?"</p><p>Danny recalled it immediately, and from that story came another, and another, until the space between them was a bridge of warm anecdotes and fond memories. Jordan's hands continued to soothe as he slid behind his friend, rolling and kneading the taut muscles of his shoulders and back. The conversation continued to flow, and the release of the words, coupled with the loosening of multiple knots of pain, had an effect which was nothing short of miraculous. </p><p>As Danny let go of all the loneliness of miles on the road, self-doubts and fears, he leaned forward further and further, until he was basically laying on his front. Jordan had continued to massage his friend, listening to his stories and asking questions to prompt more conversation, until at last, Danny had felt pleasantly empty, and the bus had gone quiet.</p><p>Jordan had massaged, thoroughly and expertly, all the way from shoulders to waist. There was nowhere else to go without crossing a line. Danny sensed it, the tension between them, hovering on the cusp of a moment of great change, but he wavered, opting to play it safe. The moment passed, and Jordan patted Danny on the back like an athlete congratulating a teammate on a good play.</p><p>"I'm gonna grab that snack now and head back to my bunk. Just... let me know if you need me, okay?"</p><p>Danny assured Jordan that he would. He laid there on his front for some time, until every sign of his body's betrayal had ebbed away, and his heartrate and breathing had returned to normal.   </p><p>They never spoke of that day again. There were no more massages or close hugs between them. There were various women along the way as distractions (or were they buffers?). It was a stand-alone incident, a blip on Danny's hetero radar, an anomaly...</p><p>Still, every so often, Danny would think back to that time - usually on Valentine's Day - and wonder if Jordan remembered, and if he'd felt something, too.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Truth Or Dare: Fourth of July</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It had been her idea: Take turns downing shots, and ask each other increasingly probing (read: dangerous) questions.</p><p>Donnie had been wary of the challenge, though he wasn't sure why; after all, they'd been together for almost eight years. Surely they'd heard all of each other's scandals, embarassing moments, sexcapades, etc.</p><p>Hadn't they?</p><p>The evening had been pleasantly unnerving, the questions fairly tame - until she had set up a camcorder to record their answers.</p><p>Ugh.</p><p>There would be no next-day denials of anything that was said, no blaming of misunderstandings on drunkenness or patchy recall; the inquisition was going to be on tape.</p><p>Still, to back down would be tantamount to admitting some sort of guilt. Donnie had to keep going.</p><p>The empty shot glasses were accumulating in a not-so-straight line. Both of their faces were flushed and beaded with sweat, their bodies' vain attempt at detoxing them faster. It was his turn again, and Donnie stifled a giggle as his wife slurred her way through the question.</p><p>"What, spe-cif-ic-ally, would you do to Jordan?"</p><p>This had come up multiple times in the past, ever since that WWHL episode when Donnie had admitted to having the hots for Jordan Knight (as opposed to any other New Kid). He had always managed to give a pat answer or dodge the issue - but now, with Blondies running in his veins like fire, and with the unforgiving eye of the camera upon him, Donnie felt himself about to crack.</p><p>"I.."</p><p>She waited, trying to focus on him, her eyes blinking out of sync. Man, she was wasted, so he must not be far from it himself.</p><p>"I'd.. undress him."</p><p>She inched closer. "Yeah? Then what?"</p><p>How could he tell anyone this - his deep, dark, taboo fantasy about his bandmate and sometime-rival? How could he describe to his wife - his WIFE! - the thoughts that sometimes crept into his mind during intimate moments, whether with her or by himself? </p><p>"Donnie," her tone a warning, and he knew, knew all too well what the consequences could be if he didn't answer, fully, honestly, and in a timely manner. The things she could do to a man..</p><p>"I'd kiss him, of course."</p><p>She nodded, wanting him to go on. He couldn't read the expression on her face, somewhere between jealousy and lust. </p><p>"I'd.. I'd touch him.."</p><p>"Where?" She realized she'd been loud, almost accusatory, and lowered her tone. "Show me where."</p><p>Did she mean for him to touch himself, or her..? Donnie took a guess, caressing her face, lifting the hair from the nape of her neck with his fingers, then trailing down her back. Her lips parted, eyes closing, imagining what it would be like to be the man her husband would cross the line for, the object of countless teenage dreams, the workplace affair waiting to happen..</p><p>"Show you?," he murmured, and she whimpered softly in the back of her throat, eyes still closed.</p><p>He would show her, with the camera still running, with her blessing, with all the banked heat of decades' worth of longing. They could erase it in the light of day, or keep it; hell, she might even blackmail him with it someday if things went sour - but it was his truth, damn it, and it needed to come out.</p><p>Somewhere in her mind, she was already imagining the possibilities, what pretext she could craft in order to get a copy to Jordan, what would happen if she succeeded, what would be lost if she failed (or if Jordan rejected Donnie's confession...)</p><p>That night served as a reminder that the truth is always riskier than any dare.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Funky Funky Xmas</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Secret Santa exchanges among boy-banders - no homoerotic potential in that, right?</p><p>Riiiight.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>There were rumors, of course; hadn't there always been? The fine line between love and hate was an ever-present tension between the band-mates. Some stories had been told and retold so many times within the group that they'd come to feel like myths - with the Secret Santa fiasco being one such story.</p><p>One Christmas season in the early 1990s, one of the guys - most said it was Donnie, while some blamed Jon - had suggested doing a secret gift exchange. Each New Kid and crew member would draw a name from a Santa hat, and the gift had to be ten dollars or less. Those were the only parameters set, and Jordan recalled hoping he would get a crew member's name, which he did. He had chosen a ten dollar bottle of aftershave, and pushed uncertainty about what he would receive out of his mind.</p><p>Innocent enough, right?</p><p>Well, not quite.</p><p>Donnie had received a drugstore assortment of three lipsticks and a two-pack of pantyhose, which, given his proclivity to dress as a woman in order to watch the warm-up acts, was not totally unjustified. Danny's gift had been a basket crammed with as many chips and snack cakes as ten bucks could buy, which he had bemusedly re-gifted to the crew. Jon's gift consisted of a graphic manual on how to improve your luck with the ladies; even decades later, nobody would fess up as to who Jon's Santa was, and whether it was given ironically. Joey had received a hat repair kit, no doubt a jab at his collection of lidless hats. </p><p>Jordan, by this time sensing a gag gift theme and realizing that he had misjudged the tone of the enterprise, had relaxed, figuring his gift would be hair products or some other gentle jab at his vanity. Under eager, watchful eyes, the young man had unwrapped his gift, only to find it contained two types of lube - one standard, one strawberry-flavored - and a pair of skimpy and edible men's underwear which resembled a Fruit Rollup left in direct sunlight and stretched into an obscene shape.</p><p>The laughter had rocked the bus, prompting a rebuke from the driver to settle down. Jordan had sat, speechless and stunned, his face burning as he searched those present for any sign of a tell. Nobody looked remotely sorry or guilty, and the identity of the secret Santa had never been divulged.</p><p>By 2020, the whole scenario felt like a scene from a bad teen comedy, so far removed from reality - until Danny had suggested a revival of the Secret Santa exchange. Long-term crew were included, and it proved a welcome distraction from the pandemic. They were all adults now, and the gifts would be sensible and chosen with care, rather than in jest.</p><p>Wrong again.</p><p>All gifts were opened during a Zoom call, no peeking allowed. Jordan's turn had fallen somewhere in the middle, and as he'd peeled away the wrapping paper, his heart had stopped. </p><p>More lube - cupcake-flavored this time - and a new set of edible undies.</p><p>Every face in the split screen displayed some form of amusement - except Jordan's. As the others took turns opening their gifts, Jordan had remained eerily quiet, still in shock, grappling with anger and embarrassment. Once all the gifts were revealed and general thanks exchanged, most of the group logged off, leaving the moment behind to go and spend time with their loved ones. </p><p>Jon promised to call Jordan later, not wanting to risk bearing the brunt of his brother's ire. Donnie and Joey kept talking to him, taking turns trying to lift him out of his funk, but Donnie eventually had to deal with another call.</p><p>Jordan had just about talked himself out, finally muttering his excuses before leaving Joey alone on the screen. </p><p>Half an hour later, just as the world outside was growing dark and Jordan's body was beginning to contemplate sleep, he received a text message.</p><p>Thinking it was from his brother, Jordan was surprised to find it was from Joe.</p><p>Three simple words, stark in their boldness, suddenly had Jordan feeling very much awake:</p><p>"It was me."</p><p>Jordan felt the air escape from his lungs in a whoosh, like a punch to the gut. His heart stuttered in his chest; without context, without preamble, Joe had just admitted to sending Jordan those completely inappropriate gifts.</p><p>Jordan was shocked, upset, and inordinately aroused.</p><p>He typed and deleted multiple replies before settling on the direct approach:</p><p>"Was it you the first time, too? Also, WHY???"</p><p>There was a long pause. Jordan stared at the phone in his hand, waiting for answers.</p><p>"Yes. As for 'why..' Well, do I really need to explain?"</p><p>Jordan felt a twinge of almost-sympathy for Joey. Was he embarrassed by something he was feeling? Was that why he'd been so secretive? How long had this been an issue for Joe?</p><p>When Jordan didn't reply, Joe followed up with </p><p>"I never meant to humiliate you. I.. I didn't think it through. I'm sorry. I just thought.. after all this time.."</p><p>Jordan felt an immense rush of power at the thought of holding the younger man in thrall. All that tension and rivalry over the decades, all those missed clues, leading up to this confession of.. what, exactly?</p><p>"Yeah, Joe - you DO need to explain. I think it's been a long time coming, don't you?"</p><p>The rest of that night was spent in a flurry of messages, one of which might have contained a photo of a certain New Kid modelling his Fruit RollUp underwear.</p><p>And there was definitely something to be said for cupcake-flavored lube.</p>
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